I’ve changed. I think.

I’ve noticed something new in my behavior. I’m not sure if I like it or not. It feels so different. I’ve become aware that I speak less, but more strongly. I express opinions. I speak up. I don’t dilly-dally with long explanations anymore.

Let me put the above statement in context.

Not so many years ago, I was so nervous around people I stammered all the time. I’d go into the coffee room at work and someone would ask how my weekend had been, and I’d say, ‘p-p-p-p-pret-t-ty g-g-gud, h-h-h you?’ My eyes would kinda roll up to the ceiling at the same time I was ‘p-p-p-ing’, and I would feel like a total idiot.

I would hesitantly and softly express my thoughts on something, and if the person I was talking to disagreed, I would immediately find some way to wiggle out of what I said and come around to agreeing with them.

Besides the stammer, I’d also punctuate my sentences with soft giggles. “Hi, heh heh, I’m Vikki, heh heh, nice d-d-day, heh heh”.

So now, today, when I watch myself jump into a discussion and say “I disagree. The fact is that…” a part of me raises its eyebrows in surprise.

However, I do still get into trouble. If several people have different opinions on what should be done, I try to find the common ground between them and make suggestions that would resolve the majority of concerns. Always a peacemaker. While this might be very diplomatic, I often find myself ending up holding the bag for actually doing the ‘common ground’ thing. At which point, I say, ‘heh heh, w-well, that’s not, heh heh, what I had in m-m-mind.”

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